My Husband Deleted An Invitation To Taylor Swift’s Wedding. We Are Not Living In The Same Reality.

“Wait, why weren’t we invited? There are a thousand people there!” I asked my husband Garret, a well-known music producer in LA.

I scrolled on Instagram as we talked, watching the celebrities roll into Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s wedding at Madison Square Garden. 

“I got a text but I thought it was spam,” he told me, sounding defensive.

“WHAT!?” I asked in total disbelief.

I could feel my heart pulsing in my fingertips as I continued to scroll through the barrage of wedding-related posts popping up online.

“Yeah – remember I told you I got a text from her manager? But I didn’t respond to it. It didn’t sound like him.”

“It was probably an assistant!” I scolded him, my frustration growing by the second.

“Oh,” Garret said, seemingly apologetic. 

We’ve been married for 32 years and have lived in the same house all of that time, but apparently we occupy two different worlds. 

As a psychotherapist with over a decade of experience in marriage and family therapy, I’ve seen my fair share of women who say their husbands don’t understand them. At that moment, I could relate on an entirely new level.

“So let me get this straight: You mean to tell me that we were invited… and you didn’t click on the invite?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “I guess I thought someone was trying to hack my address book or something.” 

Reeling in frustration, I left the room. My jaw was clenched tight, so I purposefully took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

I thought back to 2012, when my husband worked with Swift on her album, Red. She came to our remote music studio in Topanga, California, and sang The Last Time with Gary Lightbody. My husband said she was the driving force in the room.

Afterward, she had dinner with our family. She was a warm and confident young woman – and a true storyteller. She charmed all of us with her wit and grace. 

I walked back into the room, intent on hearing my husband out, but I wasn’t really listening. 

“But it’s Taylor Swift!” was all I could manage to say.

“I know,” he said, “but why would you even want to go?”

Why would I want to go? 

Because it’s fun and romantic, I thought.

When everything feels so nightmarish and hopeless in America right now, it seems like many of us are looking for something sweet like a fairytale wedding to cheer us up – or at the very least, distract us for a moment.

I’ve never considered myself a die-hard Swiftie, but as a therapist, I understand the impact of young women hearing their experiences play out in her songs.

Taylor sings about love and heartbreak – something most of us can relate to at some point in our lives – but she also sings about things many women often keep hidden (and are encouraged to keep hidden): jealousy, anxiety, body issues, relationship problems, overthinking, and being self-critical.

She is vulnerable and willing to expose pieces of herself that aren’t always pretty. She says things that so many of us have thought but never said out loud.

She’s a complicated icon who has challenged homophobia, donated millions to charities and challenged right-wing politicians. At the same time, she’s been critiqued for her shrewd capitalism, private jet usage and “white victimhood”. And, at the end of the day, she was putting on a spectacle that felt dreamy and optimistic.

“I wanted to go because it would give me a bit of hope,” I told Garret.

“For what?”

“Hope for love! Hope for some good in the world! I don’t know… maybe hope in America at a dark time? And I obviously would have loved to hear the musical guests. I mean… Stevie Nicks was supposed to play!” 

He didn’t say anything for a minute, and then he seemed to realise what had really happened: he’d disappointed me. Not on purpose, of course, but the disappointment was still very real.

We were both quiet for a moment. 

“Sorry hon… I’m sorry,” he said, adding, “It’s really hot out there – it would’ve been hot.” 

I felt myself starting to lose my mind again. 

We were invited to the wedding of the decade and we didn’t go because it might be too hot? We didn’t even RSVP “no”. How rude is that? (Sorry Taylor and Travis!) 

I couldn’t help but think about how it sometimes seems women carry the emotional baggage in our culture and men often focus more on function.

Research from the University of Texas showed that women are often centred on building bonds, while men are typically concentrated on fixing problems. So, what do I see in this case that he doesn’t? A need at this time in our collective consciousness to concentrate on love (building bonds), milestone stories and hope in this country – a current desert of levity. 

So there we were on a hot, smoggy day in LA at an impasse. An hour later Garret brought home my favourite dinner, gave me a hug and kissed me. 

And just like that, we were back in our usual flow – together. Julie and John Gottman, world-renowned researchers and psychologists, would call this a repair attempt – a small gesture to de-escalate tension and get back to a strong bond.  

As we sat down at the kitchen table to eat, he said, “Sorry again.”

“No worries, honey,” I said.

And I meant it.

Our marriage has never been perfect and sometimes we’re surprised that it’s still going. We struggled last year after we became empty nesters and moved from the countryside to the city. It was a tough transition for both of us.

I was recovering from a brain tumour and he was working on the longest and hardest project in his life. We were both on edge. There were many conflicts and late-night arguments about our future, but we always end up in repair.

Thankfully, repair is the heart of our partnership. 

After I cooled down, I thought about how our lives are currently filled with much bigger things to worry about than Taylor Swift’s wedding. My mom had just passed. Garret is dealing with an ageing father in Ireland. We’re contemplating another move. And, of course, it feels like the entire world has come undone.

Every day some new terrible thing is happening somewhere. So despite my disappointment and frustration, I forgave him. 

A missed wedding will not be what breaks us. We’re stronger than that. 

Still, it would’ve been fun to see her dress. 

Melissa Garner Lee is a writer and licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, HuffPost, USNews and Newsweek. She is currently working on her first novel, “The Gleaner.”  Find more from her on Instagram @themindfulheartla and Substack @slouchingliterary.

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