In my experience, toddlers are pretty helpful little people. They often want to do their bit – add a ‘tidy up’ song to the mix and you’re guaranteed success when it comes to packing things away.
But if you find yourself asking your little one to do something, and there’s zero effort to help on their part, you might need to be more assertive in your commands.
That’s according to new research from Durham University, which found infants were more likely to help their parents if they were given direct and insistent instructions – for example, “put the pen in the box now”.
Parents who used long-winded commands – where the message seemed to get lost in amongst encouragement, explanations, choice-based language and pleading tones – were less likely to be helped.
How did the study discover this?
The study, published in Developmental Psychology, followed 273 young children and their mothers in the UK, rural Uganda, and urban Uganda.
Little ones took part in two types of tasks. In one, spontaneous helping was measured without any requests, allowing researchers to see whether babies would help on their own.
In another, mums were observed asking their children to complete simple tasks, such as putting objects away.
The researchers found in both Ugandan settings, mums typically used direct and insistent instructions to their infants, referred to as ‘assertive scaffolding’. An example of this would be saying something like: “Put the pen away now.”
In contrast, mums from the UK were more likely to use encouragement, explanations, and choice-based language – also known as ‘deliberate scaffolding’. For example, saying something like: “Mummy needs the pen to go in the box, please can you help mummy, good girl!”
Researchers said children whose mothers used clear and firm instructions (assertive scaffolding) were more likely to help when asked, but also spontaneously.
Senior author of the study, Professor Zanna Clay of Durham University, told HuffPost UK: “Our study showed that clear, direct and serious instructions by parents worked best for children’s helping – something which is called ‘assertive’ scaffolding.
“This type of instruction differs from the kind of gentle pleading, known as ‘deliberate scaffolding’ that is more common in Western settings.”
Dr Sasha Hall, a senior educational and child psychologist, told HuffPost UK one of the most useful takeaways for parents from this study is that young children often respond better to instructions that are short, concrete and clear.
“This is not about being harsh or authoritarian. It is about reducing ambiguity and making expectations easier for young children to process,” she said.
The expert suggested shorter instructions are better as very young children are still developing language, attention and working memory skills.
“When instructions become overly wordy, indirect or framed as negotiations, children can lose track of what is actually being asked of them,” she explained.
“For example, there is a big difference between: ‘Put the rubbish in the bin now, please’ and ‘Could you help mummy tidy up please because we need to get ready soon?’”
While the first instruction is still warm and polite, the expectation is much clearer and easier for a young child to follow.
Should we ditch ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when giving kids commands?
You might now be wondering if adding ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to the mix when giving small children instructions is the right thing to do – or if it’s confusing matters further.
Prof Clay said you can still use these words, but think more about the tone of the instruction. For example, “Put it in the box now, please” said in a more serious or insistent tone, as opposed to a gentler pleading tone.
Prof Hall is cautious of stopping using manners with children. “The research appears to be much more about clarity and directness than removing warmth or politeness from communication,” she said.
“Parents can still be warm, respectful and emotionally attuned while giving direct instructions. For example, ‘Put the toys in the box now, please’ is still a very clear instruction.”
The important difference is that the child doesn’t have to decode lots of additional language, persuasion or negotiation in order to understand what they need to do.
The psychologist added that modelling respectful communication within close relationships remains important for children’s social development.
“The key message is probably not ‘stop being polite’, but instead ‘be warm, be calm and be clear’.”
