Raise your hand if you don’t identify as a “people person”.
Perhaps you even take it one step further: “I don’t like people”, “I don’t do people” or even “I hate people” are all common refrains some may say after a long day or hear from a stressed-out co-worker or fed-up partner.
These kinds of comments are pretty normal in today’s society of honking horns and passive aggressive emails.
But when is this viewpoint more problematic? And what may it say about you if you do frequently utter these kinds of thoughts?
Here’s what therapists say:
Relying on phrases like “I don’t like people” or “I hate everyone” is a way to get out of admitting how you really feel.
Imagine you’re at the store after a tense meeting with your boss as the pressure of making dinner for your kids and setting up a vet appointment for your dog hovers over you. If someone bumps into you in the store, your internal response is likely going to be something like “I hate everyone” or “I don’t like people”.
But “it’s easier to say ‘I hate people’ instead of ‘what’s going on with me?’” said Emmalee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, co-owner of The Therapy Group and co-host of the ShrinkChicks podcast.
Does this knee-jerk reaction mean that you are overwhelmed? Or need to ask your loved ones for support? The answer is probably yes.
Lindsay Goldfarb, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of The Sterling Group, said she’d want to know more, too. “Are they saying it after a frustrating day at work or an interaction with someone that didn’t go very well? Is it stemming from a feeling of rejection or social anxiety?” Goldfarb said.
“I think it becomes problematic because it’s really misdirected anger and blame,” Bierly added. The person at the store probably didn’t mess up your day. It’s actually more likely to be the stressors or your lack of boundaries. “We turn our blame outward instead of venturing inside of what’s really going on,” Bierly said.
“If this were a client or someone I was talking to, I would want to dig in a little bit further and see what is really behind that … what needs are not being met,” Goldfarb added. Meeting those needs can help lower your stress levels, overall, and make sure you’re going through life with the support you need.
It’s normal to have a passing “I don’t like people” thought after someone cuts you off in traffic, but this mindset does cross a line at a certain point.This type of statement becomes problematic if it starts to shape your behaviours.
For most people, this particular viewpoint is fleeting during a moment of frustration. While it’s ideal to address your real stressors head on, this thought isn’t inherently a damaging one.
“There are no bad thoughts, and I know that someone’s going to really freak out about that, but there’s no bad thoughts,” Bierly said. “There is bad behaviour, and so the question is: I can have this thought of ‘Ugh, I hate people,’ and it becomes problematic if I start to then integrate that sentence into my life.”
If you mumble this sentence after a sleepless night, that’s one thing, but if you mumble this sentence and take actions that align with it, that’s a problem.
“If I say ‘I hate people’ and then I stop answering the phone, or if I start taking it out on people, or I start not giving a shit about my relationships … if you start to then take this sentence and integrate it into your narrative, and then develop your life around it, that’s when I think it becomes a problem,” Bierly said.
This can lead to isolation and disconnection. Expanding your thoughts and feelings is a way to figure out what’s truly underneath this “hatred” for other people. Do you “hate” how others make you feel? Or the fact that you can’t control them? Or trust them?
Exploring the reason behind this sentiment is the first step to addressing the problem. Hate is a surface-level word that doesn’t actually describe the true problem, Bierly said.
“This idea that ‘I hate insert-anything-here,’ it’s simply just not enough information,” she noted. Ask yourself what that “hatred” is covering up.
Humans actually need social connection
“Humans are inherently social beings,” Goldfarb said. “It started as a survival instinct when we were cavemen because if you were alone, you would probably die. We needed other people to survive.”
Things have, clearly, evolved since then, but we still have an innate need for connection, belonging and feeling understood. “That’s where we get a lot of our self-worth, our support, is from others,” Goldfarb said.
This doesn’t mean you have to talk to the guy who bumped into you at the store, but maybe you need to call a friend, a parent or hug your pets, Bierly added.
Most people who say phrases like this don’t actually believe them, and for those who do, these thoughts are likely protective, Goldfarb said. Again, there is no such thing as a bad thought, according to Bierly, but allowing an “I don’t do people” attitude to dictate your life is a damaging choice.
