Sometimes in the heat of an argument, tweens and teens might say things they really shouldn’t. They might’ve told you to “f*** off” or called you a derogatory term that made your blood boil.
While you might want to scream back at them (how dare they insult you after all you’ve done for them?), sometimes the most effective response is to be calm and collected.
Therapist Charlotte Jefferson, who is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), tells HuffPost UK this is something she comes across frequently when engaging therapeutically with families and teens.
“When your teen is shouting insults or swearing, it can help to remember that the priority isn’t winning the argument, it’s more about regulating the temperature of the interaction,” she says.
If your teen is dysregulated – which they likely are if they’re hurling nastiness at you – there’s no ability there to reflect, be empathetic or problem solve.
The therapist explains their anger is usually the visible emotion sitting on top of something more vulnerable underneath like shame, fear, rejection, overwhelm, embarrassment, or feeling powerless.
How you respond in this moment, then, is crucial as it teaches them how to handle conflict going forward.
How to respond when kids swear at you
The therapist suggests a calm boundary is “always more powerful” than a shouting match. That said, remaining calm doesn’t mean allowing verbal abuse.
“A parent could say, ‘I understand you’re angry, and you still cannot speak to me like that,’ before taking time apart to cool off and revisit the conversation later,” she suggests.
One writer shared on Medium how her son called her a “fucking bitch” one morning – and while she would’ve previously “lost it” and raised her voice in response (which often serves to escalate the situation), this time she didn’t.
“I just sat down next to him and said, ‘You don’t have to call me that. I’m just telling you how I feel.’ And then I walked away. No screaming. No breakdown. No trying to control his reaction,” she wrote.
To her surprise, as her son was leaving for school, he then apologised.
The parent added: “That’s when it hit me. The old me would have thought, I’m letting him walk all over me. I’m allowing abuse. But no. That wasn’t it at all. I set my boundary, I said my piece, and I let it go. And on his own, he realised his mistake. I didn’t have to force him. I didn’t have to control him.”
Pete English, another BACP-accredited counsellor who works with children in schools, suggests parents should try and work out what’s really underneath the word grenades their kids throw at them.
“Don’t try to reason with them at the time, but pick up calmly when they’ve calmed down,” he advises.
“Use ‘I feel’ statements when things have blown over. ‘I felt hurt when you said that I never listen to you. Can you help me understand when you don’t feel heard?’”
While English suggests a consequence may be needed (ie. “unfortunately your behaviour earlier means you won’t be able to go out later”), Jefferson is more of a view that parents should try offering space to reflect and open up opportunities for accountability.
This could be through apologising, repairing trust, having a conversation about what happened, or thinking together about how they could handle anger differently next time.
“Accountability is most effective when it encourages reflection and repair, rather than simply focusing on punishment,” adds the therapist.
“The repair afterwards is the really vital step,” she ends. “Repair after conflict reinforces the importance of your relationship while still upholding accountability, responsibility, and makes space for the reality that we are all imperfect humans navigating big emotions.
“Acknowledging your own part if you also became reactive can be incredibly powerful for a teenager to witness too.”
